Wednesday, 10 August 2011

maybe it's midnight and I will regret writing this.

I hope this doesn't come off preachy. I needed to write through my thoughts.

Today I was on the phone with mother and she told me how someone made a comment to her about reading my blog and how I was so lucky to have such an exciting life that seemed so perfect. While I was flattered, and happy I'd tricked someone to think my life is all rainbows and butterflies, I also felt the need to keep it real. If there's one thing I believe in it's authenticity and if there's one thing I hate it's internet-narcissism. So here goes an attempt to steer away from that.

Has the last month been exciting? Yes.

Has the last month meant some giant steps forward in life? Yes.

Has the last month been possibly the hardest of my life? YES.

The other day I mentioned to Rachael how the best part of my day is when my head hits the pillow. As it came out of my mouth I realized I sounded like someone in need of suicide watch. Thankfully, that statement is legitimately due to the intense comfort of my bed, but that being said, I've had easier times.

It's a new kind of lonely here, one I know makes me better but is still painful. It's going from a place of total comfort to a place of complete unknown. It's coming home to a house and not a home. It's meeting a billion people a day and just wishing one of them knew that you hate bananas or you wear fuzzy socks around your house.

Yet while it's been hard, I'd recommend moving away all by your lonesome to everyone in the universe. It took moving to a place where I knew no one to realize how much I'd come to define myself by things that really weren't me. It's the oddest, loveliest kind of simplicity to be alone, basically with yourself and with God.

I don't say any of this as a pity party or out of duty as a cynic, but more because I believe in the reality that no one's life is effortless or ever-glamorous. I believe reality is imperfect and I think that makes it better. I never want to dress my baby in Crew Cuts and I don't trust anyone who looks perfect all the time.

I am so grateful to be where I am right now. I have so many ridiculously amazing opportunities that I hope I'm making the most of. I feel quite confident that after working at this job my propensity to be egotistical will diminish and my offendability will, on a scale of one to ten, reach a zero.

What I have learned in the short time I've been here is that sometimes it takes people asking what you believe to realize why you believe it. It takes moving away to remember how much you love your family and friends. It takes having some idiotic new girl moments to quit taking yourself so seriously. It takes failing a few times to be happy with your best efforts.

Annnnnnd I'm tired. Here's to making this place feel like home.

14 comments:

Annie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Annie said...

Oh Rebsta, to think that you've ever been anything other than authentic would be entirely false. So, here's to keeping it real real. Love you friend!

H. Baum said...

Reb- i can relate 100%! I definitely think moving away makes you a much stronger person, and while getting used to it royally sucks, you will get the hang of things soon and meet some MORE amazing friends you never would have run into. People who will never have to move away from the bubble in utah, or live farther than 10 min from their parents and Go-THS!, can't understand how hard it is to be stuck somewhere foreign to you.

I hope you're loving your job... the rest will come with time! My biggest advice (as If I'm a pro or something) is to throw yourself in to any and everything, and explore a LOT. Just drive. Anywhere. Stop everywhere. Try to discover little things and places that get you excited to live there and for this chapter in your life

hang in there!

Anna Elizabeth said...

you.are.incredible.the end. Thank you for being one of the most real people i have ever met. i love you. and miss you.

danielle said...

:)

holli h. said...

this is refreshing and ia appreciate your honesty. There is just no such thing as "perfect." that's all there is to it. and ironically,some of the best and most blissful times of my life have also been the hardest. It is always rewarding though. It is when I am coasting that life actually feels empty. there's my two cents. love you :)

mandi winterton said...

from one anti-crew-cuts woman to another i respect your move! i know you weren't intending the post to result in a "big props" from all us here at home but, we support you. i one day want to grow up, leave provo and go have an adventure just like you have...as much as the thought of that makes me sick. you are incredibly real and as a side note we were talking about you at dinner the other day and many of us noted that we feel you know yourself better than most people we have met.
love.

Brandon and Katie said...

I love you! Let's talk again soon. I enjoyed our chat the other day. I wanna hear about everything.

Whitney said...

Wonderful post, Rebbie! I love that you've taken a leap of faith. I think lots of us hope to do that too someday so that's scary in itself, but I think what you're talking about applies to life in general. Insightful thoughts, buddy. Thanks for the words.

Cynthia said...

uuummm, i kinda blog stalk you cause i think you're hilarious. But this one resonated with me and I had to reply.
I have moved away from everything i know 3 times - it drives my mom nuts, but it's always been an interesting experience. And yes, I always wish someone knew that i like to sing at the top of my lungs or that i am allergic to canteloup.
i kind of live my life my good quotes, so i'm going to give you some, in the hope that you get some comfort out of them.
“Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things – air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky – all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it.” –Cesare Pavese

“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” – Freya Stark

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

“Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind.” – Seneca

Muncher Cruncher said...

Oh Rebstar...I just freaking adore you. I LOVED seeing you the other night.
Miss you doll. I am going to come visit. Like it or not! :) xoxoxo

Amy Allen said...

Priceless. You, I mean, not the post. (It's good too.)

Glad to call you sister.

Brecken said...

I feel the exact same feelings these days! Love you rebbie! So glad you finally came over!

Rosie said...

I LOVE REBBIE!!!! There is no "nother Rebs". We sure loved being with you, catching up and learning from you!