I hope this doesn't come off preachy. I needed to write through my thoughts.
Today I was on the phone with mother and she told me how someone made a comment to her about reading my blog and how I was so lucky to have such an exciting life that seemed so perfect. While I was flattered, and happy I'd tricked someone to think my life is all rainbows and butterflies, I also felt the need to keep it real. If there's one thing I believe in it's authenticity and if there's one thing I hate it's internet-narcissism. So here goes an attempt to steer away from that.
Has the last month been exciting? Yes.
Has the last month meant some giant steps forward in life? Yes.
Has the last month been possibly the hardest of my life? YES.
The other day I mentioned to Rachael how the best part of my day is when my head hits the pillow. As it came out of my mouth I realized I sounded like someone in need of suicide watch. Thankfully, that statement is legitimately due to the intense comfort of my bed, but that being said, I've had easier times.
It's a new kind of lonely here, one I know makes me better but is still painful. It's going from a place of total comfort to a place of complete unknown. It's coming home to a house and not a home. It's meeting a billion people a day and just wishing one of them knew that you hate bananas or you wear fuzzy socks around your house.
Yet while it's been hard, I'd recommend moving away all by your lonesome to everyone in the universe. It took moving to a place where I knew no one to realize how much I'd come to define myself by things that really weren't me. It's the oddest, loveliest kind of simplicity to be alone, basically with yourself and with God.
I don't say any of this as a pity party or out of duty as a cynic, but more because I believe in the reality that no one's life is effortless or ever-glamorous. I believe reality is imperfect and I think that makes it better. I never want to dress my baby in Crew Cuts and I don't trust anyone who looks perfect all the time.
I am so grateful to be where I am right now. I have so many ridiculously amazing opportunities that I hope I'm making the most of. I feel quite confident that after working at this job my propensity to be egotistical will diminish and my offendability will, on a scale of one to ten, reach a zero.
What I have learned in the short time I've been here is that sometimes it takes people asking what you believe to realize why you believe it. It takes moving away to remember how much you love your family and friends. It takes having some idiotic new girl moments to quit taking yourself so seriously. It takes failing a few times to be happy with your best efforts.
Annnnnnd I'm tired. Here's to making this place feel like home.