Sunday, 24 October 2010

I'm not one of those salad-eater girls.

There are several important phases you go through as a woman and it seems the one I am now entering is the salad-eating phase. I've noticed that over the last few years more and more of my friends are ordering salads at dinner. I watch with befuddlement as they spend their precious pennies on feeble leafy greens. As my charming friend Holli so eloquently facebook statused: "You can't get full off salad."
It seems, however, that women of a certain age are socialized to think you can. Take Showers, for example. If you took a poll of every shower (baby, wedding, whatever) that has occurred in the last millennium, I am willing to stake my firstborn that three counterfeit food groups have been offered for consumption:
1-fruit
2-quiche
3-SALAD
("Salad" as a category technically encompasses anything from jello to potato, but i'm gonna stick with green for the purpose of this argument. Don't even get me started on quiche.)

The Shower, what I consider the essence of womanhood, consists of a bunch of ladies getting together eating a 'light' meal. Guys. Why are we doing this to ourselves? I am so fine admitting I eat normal stuff. Maybe it's just my last denial of adulthood, thinking I can eat real food and it won't affect me. Ughh. I've thought about what it would be like to utter the sentence: "I'll just have a salad, thank you. Dressing on the side." I'm just not sure I posses the willpower.

I remember one time being on a date with a guy who mentioned how he liked girls who ate real food and didn't just order a salad. BEST NEWS EVER! Of course I'm planning our wedding as I assure him I am not one of those fake girls, and order a steak or some other calorie-laden food.
He never called me again.

Here's the thing though, my lettuce aversion really isn't my fault, it's Zupa's. Yes, yes, I know you think I'm above it but at one (low) point at my life I was indeed a SALAD MASTER. This title is real, and I possessed it. I worked my tail off studying for the S.M. test.
"Let's see, Nuts About Berries has 6 cranberries, 4 strawberries, 3.5 blueberries and a child's fistful of candied almonds."
That was just the written portion.
The practical portion involved me whipping up all twelve salads in twelve minutes as my boss in vegetable pants looked on. Good thing Ratatouille was in my hat. (jk about that last part)
Can you blame me though? Now that you know my past?

I'd heard all these rumors about salads in fact having more fat than something like a cheeseburger and didn't believe it. I mean it just doesn't seem possible. So I looked it up. Namely CPK's Thai Crunch Salad. If you like this salad, or ever plan on eating it again, please do not read the statement below.
That pig in sheep's clothing has 35.9 grams of fat per serving. The serving size is half a salad.
Suckas!!!!!
Really though, I am deeply sorry to learn the truth as I myself have fallen victim to this salad. Never again though! Maybe.
I'm thinking the moral of the story is...eat carbs and be merry, for they taste better than plants.

8 comments:

David said...

What is a salad anyway? Is a fatty ribeye with a postage stamp of lettuce wedged under one corner a salad?

Michelle and Aaron Darais said...

amen to this sista! They day I prefer a salad over a steak or pasta is the day I can also do some tricksy dance move...NEVER!!!!!!

Brandon and Katie said...

Cafe rio pork salad is the exception. Love you!

Michelle and Brady said...

Haha I love your posts regg! I missssss you!

Kambria said...

Oh my Rebbie, my love for you just grew. I was facebook stalking you and saw your blog address. This is the funniest post ever. Kudos.

C-Par said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
C-Par said...

salads are for rabbits, deer, cows, iguanas, and tortoises. we, in turn, eat the salad eaters. it's called the circle of life. thank you for you post :) ps-the best salads have salad eaters in it (like chicken or pork)

Roxy said...

this is the best post I've read in a while...I love it. and salad. CPK BBQ Chicken Salad has 697 calories. The most fattening thing on the menu. Just sayin.