I’m sick of British accents. I’m sick of them being instantly funny, instantly charming, instantly sophisticated, and instantly hired.
Here’s what I don’t get. Didn’t we kick them out? And now they hop back across the pond, utter one word of their “pure” English and all we can do is swoon. I don’t even mean a romantic comedy sort of swoon. It is my humble opinion that the most platonic and non attraction-based of swoons is un American. And that they need to stop.
The following is an eclectic group of Brits I have previously been seduced by. R.I.P. friends and lovers!! Consider this your eulogy.
I’ve witnessed first hand the measurable difference between my English and British English. There is this one person who went to school with me, who is British, and is most definitely the darling of the byu ad program…not to mention everything else he does. One day, we (he) convinced our professor to order pizza for a group meeting we were having. I order the pizza, from Brick Oven, 25 feet from the Brimhall and they told me it would be an hour and a half before they could get it to us. He, of course, was incensed that anyone would dare keep us hungry for that long!! He asked me to call them back to complain but I had a better idea—YOU CALL THEM BACK. Sure enough, what did they say? We’ll get your pizza in 15 minutes.
There is a man who might work where I work. He’s new. And he is a tall, parted-haired, dreamboat of a Brit. I’ve overheard multiple conversations by multiple groups of females on multiple floors in his behalf. One of my friends got stuck alone with him on the elevator. She tried to talk to him but said she couldn’t understand what he was saying. I’m not sure if this is due to swoon-induced hearing loss but I thought it was semi ridiculous. I mean…we do still speak the same language right? It made me think of that one time there was a British man on the Bachelorette and they put subtitles on every time he spoke. Where is our dignity, women??! Do we speak English or not?!?? Anyway. I keep seeing him in the halls and I’m pretty sure he wants to date me. We had a meeting with him the other day and yeahhhh. Post-meeting I caught two of my middle-aged co-workers looking him up on our company website. After a 20 minute debate we finally decided it was too soon to add him on Facebook.
Giant. Pathetic. Swoon.
My friends and I have considered starting an accent immersion program so that decent, hardworking Americans like us can find work in our native land. Better yet, what if we move somewhere else? To London? Do they find our accents as charming as we find theirs? My four, boy-drought months there makes me think no, but I asked yahoo anyway:
(straight from the mouth of a Brit!!!)
A) Is that the English spelling of embarrassed?
B) Swings and roundabouts? Ugh, even their useless sayings are charming.
C) At least in America we aren’t afraid to have a public voice. I happen to think the overweight man yelling at everyone on the subway last night was an inspiring show of democracy.
D) Can someone tell me how to do a Florida accent?
In reality, I don’t think there’s much hope of competing with our charismatic allies from the motherland. For now all I can do is hold on to my pride, keep my head high, and try to keep from swooning. Because as Edgemont Elementary taught me, there ain’t no doubt I love this land—God bless the United States of American English.