Tuesday, 13 July 2010

Above the Influence (Of charming Brits)

I’m sick of British accents. I’m sick of them being instantly funny, instantly charming, instantly sophisticated, and instantly hired.

Here’s what I don’t get. Didn’t we kick them out? And now they hop back across the pond, utter one word of their “pure” English and all we can do is swoon. I don’t even mean a romantic comedy sort of swoon. It is my humble opinion that the most platonic and non attraction-based of swoons is un American. And that they need to stop.

The following is an eclectic group of Brits I have previously been seduced by. R.I.P. friends and lovers!! Consider this your eulogy.




 




I’ve witnessed first hand the measurable difference between my English and British English. There is this one person who went to school with me, who is British, and is most definitely the darling of the byu ad program…not to mention everything else he does. One day, we (he) convinced our professor to order pizza for a group meeting we were having. I order the pizza, from Brick Oven, 25 feet from the Brimhall and they told me it would be an hour and a half before they could get it to us. He, of course, was incensed that anyone would dare keep us hungry for that long!! He asked me to call them back to complain but I had a better idea—YOU CALL THEM BACK.  Sure enough, what did they say? We’ll get your pizza in 15 minutes.

Swoon.

There is a man who might work where I work. He’s new. And he is a tall, parted-haired, dreamboat of a Brit. I’ve overheard multiple conversations by multiple groups of females on multiple floors in his behalf. One of my friends got stuck alone with him on the elevator. She tried to talk to him but said she couldn’t understand what he was saying. I’m not sure if this is due to swoon-induced hearing loss but I thought it was semi ridiculous. I mean…we do still speak the same language right? It made me think of that one time there was a British man on the Bachelorette and they put subtitles on every time he spoke. Where is our dignity, women??! Do we speak English or not?!?? Anyway. I keep seeing him in the halls and I’m pretty sure he wants to date me. We had a meeting with him the other day and yeahhhh. Post-meeting I caught two of my middle-aged co-workers looking him up on our company website. After a 20 minute debate we finally decided it was too soon to add him on Facebook.

Giant. Pathetic. Swoon.

My friends and I have considered starting an accent immersion program so that decent, hardworking Americans like us can find work in our native land. Better yet, what if we move somewhere else? To London? Do they find our accents as charming as we find theirs? My four, boy-drought months there makes me think no, but I asked yahoo anyway:

(straight from the mouth of a Brit!!!)

“Hmmmm... difficult question.
I think for me it depends on the accent. I may be more surrounded by Americans than the average Briton so I think a lot of the novelty has worn away. Some US girls have seriously sexy accents, but there are some that make you want to wince. The compulsion of some of my US friends to overshare and talk loudly in public places makes me feel somewhat embarressed sometimes!
Southern states accents do nothing for me, but then I do have a friend from Florida and her accent is awesome. 
But to be fair, there's plenty of accents here in the UK you never hear on films and tv that are so annoying they would make you feel like your ears were falling out so it's swings and roundabouts.”

A)   Is that the English spelling of embarrassed?

B)   Swings and roundabouts? Ugh, even their useless sayings are charming.

C)   At least in America we aren’t afraid to have a public voice. I happen to think the overweight man yelling at everyone on the subway last night was an inspiring show of democracy.

D)   Can someone tell me how to do a Florida accent?

In reality, I don’t think there’s much hope of competing with our charismatic allies from the motherland. For now all I can do is hold on to my pride, keep my head high, and try to keep from swooning. Because as Edgemont Elementary taught me, there ain’t no doubt I love this land—God bless the United States of American English.

14 comments:

molly jane said...

AMEN to all of the above. Ha, I love this. And you. Just thought you should know!

Miss Stolworthy said...

gosh, you're a good writer.
seriously though.
hope you're doing well. hope you're still excited about having to live with me...

tayloranne said...

haha rebbie this is amazing. it's so true though.

Mindy said...

haha! I totally agree. I was thinking the same thing a few months ago while watching shows on HGTV and realizing that every host was had a British accent. Seriously? we can't find any Americans to host shows? I don't get it...

Kellee Marie Cook said...

love this post. was never able to get a brit to love me so I settled for a southern accent. ;)

David said...

The same thing happens in Spanish--I swoon for Spanish spoken by Spaniards. It is so much better than Spanish in America (North, Central, and South). The "s" sound is a very soft "sh" and, of course, the theta. Imagine if Brits pronounces "z" as "th" and you have the theta.

You should hear Nicola Dougherty (Austrailian) do an American accent. It is hilarious.

V said...

haha! too funny Rebbie.

Kerali said...

I love you reb. This is classic

Brooke said...

Rebbie you are too funny. Love this.

Sarah Orme said...

true story--I am about to start using the saying swings and roundabouts. Seriously.

Rosie said...

We love you Rebs! Only a month and we get to see you!

bob said...

as a fellow london study abroad-er, i can testify that men over there, do indeed think our accent is cute. they HATE southern accents and think a girl who sounds like a "normal American English girl" is hot. of course this is all coming from my boyfriends in the tube and some Oxford boys i met at a concert. (don't ask) i was curious if our accent made them swoon too:)
p.s. i don't know where that Brit who thinks "Florida accents are sexy" came from, but i'm pretty sure he's crazy and i'm pretty sure he's secretly from Florida.
p.p.s. totally laughed out loud reading this post.

Just Another Girl said...

LOL never seen your blog before but stumbled across this post. So funny!

My dad is from England and my cousins from England are visiting this summer. I'm very used to British accents but even I have trouble understanding them sometimes. And we have yet to find a waiter who can understand what they are ordering when they ask for water.

Charlotte said...

i think i know who you're talking about...