Monday, 1 June 2009

'tis the season

for the most painful shopping endeavor ever experienced:
maybe i eat too much, but MAYBE THIS IS THE WORST IDEA EVER.
guys get to wear big baggy shorts and we are expected to gear up in skin tight inches of fabric. sooo awesome.
whenever spring rolls around i get all excited to go swimming. naturally i think i want to buy a new swimsuit. i go to the mall, slightly pale and pudgy yet optimistic about life, and leave with nothing on my mind but how i will convince them to let me on the biggest loser. ahhh!

lately i have resorted to online shopping, where you can see it on someone else's body and then order it and pretend you look the same. my favorite place to do this is victoria's secret.
you get that blessed package in the mail, try it on and...wait..this doesn't look like it did on that one girl. weird. maybe it's this mirror. maybe if i do that pose she was doing...
(no but seriously, have you ever ordered one from there? talk about FALSE ADVERTISING, someone alert the NARB)

my most recent issue with swimsuit shopping is the arrival of a little something called the monokini:
(i truly apologize if you have one)

ahhgghhh! my eyes!!
zero percent of this contraption of a swimsuit makes sense to my brain. oh yes, so let's highlight the most attractive part of our body, the love handles! naturally. oh and don't forget the ever classy plunging navel strip.
there is something so weirdly pornographic about them. i mean, anything that requires this much work just to figure out what's going on is drawing far too much attention.
all aesthetics aside, can you imagine trying to get that thing on? i mean think of the possibilities of what could go wrong if you stuck the wrong body part in the wrong hole. endless. and i would imagine, hilarious. i will keep my eye out the next time i hit up some uber trendayy spot like the king henry pool for a MALFUNCTIONOKINI.

maybe i'm just bitter because yet again, fashion has decided to favor the waifs of the world. maybe i'm a little sensitive because last night in front of the whole ward my chair might have broken underneath me...maybe?
anyway. i'm just grateful there are masculine, respectful men like Mika who can spot a good looking woman when he sees one.

i just have to add, on a more positive note, i did finally find a swimsuit. where, you ask? downeast outfitters. it somewhat screams "DRAPER, UTAH" but n out's coming to draper right?
and speaking of swimsuits i just made a non characteristically amazing decision to buy a plane ticket to the cayman islands. we're staying in brienne's house august 2-9th. mmm. let the countdown begin.


jPate said...

Ha ha, ah Rebbie you never fail at making me laugh in front of the computer. Agreed on the false advertising, and double agree on the ugliness that is the malfunctionokini.

Billy Reano said...

I am reminded once again how painful it is for women to shop for swim wear. Thanks for that.

And the picture scared me at first, it looked like a crocodile was eating that woman's torso...

Cason and Marie said...

hahaha I am dying laughing at this post! And your music. Great pick! I loved it! I am one to fall for the Victoria's Secret swimsuits. They just look too good to be true on those ladies. And when you get it, it doesn't look as good, let alone it's not the same colors! Its annoying. Rebb I think we all feel the same way about swimsuits. I get so excited to go swimsuit shopping to see all the cute new designs, but then I try it on and it's not so cute after all. I just stick with my 3 year old suits that I know I already feel comfortable in.

Ps. I love downeast swimsuits! and Have fun in the Cayman Islands. I am very jealous! I love it there.

and by the way.. I looked at your facebook pictures and I was actually thinking you looked skinnier. Not like you were ever fat, but it looks like you've lost a little. You look GOOD!!!

Todd, Rose and Emy said...

Hey at least you aren't going into the swimsuit season with a pregnant belly and thirty pounds to can pity me now:) Rebs you are silly, draper is all the rage:)

Julianne said...

FIRST of all...I'm TOTALLY laughing. Second of all-that ugly swimsuit not only is weirdly cut in front..but its not doin any justice for anybody in the back! Let alone on the sides. When I went to king henry to swim did I sign up to see the whole entire side of probably 15 boobs as well?? Because I surely dont remember it if I did.
And the whole shopping for a swimsuit thing? I always go in thinking i lost a couple pounds in the winter-you know, kick boxing and all that...well wrongo was I! Probably ended up buying a size bigger than last year!
How lovely to be a woman..who lives in utah...where the sun dont shine for 9 out of the 12 months of the year! love ya!

Kera said...

So i sincerely hope that this new bathing suit of yours isnt green and white striped with blue polka dot straps...cause i just bought one from there too!! hhha. but tell me about it i hate vicy's secret, it sucks. tina and i both already bought one from there and both already returned it. sad day. 62 days.

Brandon said...

HAHAHAHAHAH!! you know what i thought of when i read that? THE THONG SWIMMING SUIT!! ahahahahahahah do you remember that? hahahahhaha i am laughing so hard! !!!! like literally LOL! haha just envision it... you'll laugh i promise. love you. target is where i've been finding the suits lately. gotta love it.

oh i guess i'm signed onto brandon's email. but you know who i am.

love always,


Logan said...

Ok, so because I hung out with you today I thought I should finally comment on here. I do read your blog more than you probably know! I love your writing style, you are hilarious and smart. I'm excited for you to keep a blog for Michelle while she is gone! I hope you start feeling better soon too. :o)

Chelsey said...

As a witness to that chair breaking at the Bishop's, might I add that that chair was basically made of toothpicks and had serious signs of termite and water damage. Any JCrew swimsuit waif would have done the same thing.

betsy b said...

love the post.

and hate monokinis.

hahaha you're the best.

Brooke said...

I laughed out loud in my cube when I read this one. possibly snorted. love it. miss you.